and then I went back to the past

I have successfully completed my first week of grad school. The unknown has become known. The unfamiliar is familiar. In fact, it's comfortable.

I love being a student. I have always loved being a student. That is a big part of why I am a teacher. I love to learn. I love to bum around and read books and write papers and be stressed about deadlines. I love to listen to experts in their fields get excited about what they are teaching you. I love to chat with classmates about what we are learning, where the best coffee is on campus, what they are writing their papers about. I love the library. I love sitting in coffee shops with my coffee, computer, and text book. I love hanging out with one of my besties after class, getting excited about we learned. I love preparing presentations (although I hate the presentation part). I love to drink beers on Fridays on campus. I love it all.

And now I get to do that while still having this other amazing life that I love. With the perspective that being older, with kids, affords me. I have the ability to relate the ideas, make connections, find the common ground.

I am so happy.

And so busy.

Now I must go read, write, and learn.

and so I wait...

wait for the changes to start. the chaos to hit. the unknown to become known. the known to become my past.

i like/hate change. i hate the loss of control. i hate the unknown. i like the newness. the freshness. the excitement.

i hate the idea that my daily social life (which i love) will become a thing of the past.

i hate the idea of not being a roadrunner.

of making new friends.

learning where everything is.

not having familiar faces in a classroom.

i am saying goodbye to people i love and care about and hoping that we all land somewhere safely. and still find comfort in each others' embraces.

and i try to find the peace in warmth, sun, time, slowing down, kind and friendly faces, travels, visits, drinks and loads of laughter.

that is what will get me through.

torn

i am feeling the need to slow down. enjoy life. find some  balance. find some health. i am fearful of my health after a year of trying to lose weight and not being successful. i am fearful of missing my time. the days go slowly but the years go quickly.

so i am torn.

torn between a road trip in august to spend time with family and friends who i love and staying home and chilling out, relaxing, spending time with our four. saving money. getting healthy. cuddling. if i stay home we can have time. if i do a road trip i will have visiting time but cut my summer down by a lot.

and so i think about options. i make plans in my head. i imagine possibilities.

and i look forward to the change of pace. more calm. more movement. more time.

in the perfection ...

... of my life, I am blessed with children who I love like my own who are not my own. the joy and pain of being an aunt. these children are so incredible, so amazing, and I miss them, constantly.

if only victoria and vernon were closer to each other.

if only I could see them everyday.

if only I could ever  adequately express to them my real love for them, my need to protect them, feed them, hug them, tuck them in and tell them stories, like a mother would.

they are mine in my heart but someone else' in life.

and my heart breaks when they drive away.

and then...

...a 17 year old boy told me my fly was down in front of his friends and it turns out that I can be embarrassed in front of students.

In other news, life is busy but it is Friday which means wine, take out, and movies. I love Fridays. With all my heart. If I could, I would cheat on my husband with Fridays.

I was sick this week which resulted in a loss of routines, stuff didn't get done, bad food got eaten which made for more tummy aches, and I finished a good book which makes me happy and sad.

Report cards are next week which means I should be marking because I have a ton to do but I deserve a night off, right?

Now I have the weekend ahead of me with soccer, basketball, glee class, eco fairs, yard work, hikes and family time.

And in the in between time I have my beautiful babes and it makes me happy.

routine

and then came the part where i returned to work, got back into my routines, and felt normal again. no more sorrow, no more sadness, just chaos, gong shows and schedules.

happy as a clam.

busy as a... something that is busy.

and a wedding to look forward to.

and a baby to look forward to.

and fun times are a foot.

and shakespeare has entered my classrooms and i love it. LOVE it.

and i registered for my first grad school class. yikes.

and i bought some spring time clothes and have already worn them because it got warm and sunny this week which is probably why i am happy.

spring. blossoms are out. yahoo!

blah

Today I miss my friends. I miss my best friends, there are few in this world who truly and honestly get me, who I can be completely honest with and that still like me. And none of those people live here. And I am bad a staying in touch. I'm horrible at the phone, okay at text and mediocre at email.

So here I am, by myself in my silent house on a Saturday night, feeling sorry for myself because all I really want is to have one of my bestest, closest, oldest friends sitting here with me, sharing wine, stories and bitching.

And I have some friends. People here who I like. Some who may, over time, start to get me. But for now, they are new friends. And it's different.

I need a hug.

I need a shoulder, a hand, a look that will make me laugh and remind me that there are people in this world who care about me.

Because right now, in my silent house, it is hard to remember that those people are out there. Somewhere. All over the world.

So, my lifers. My friends till the end. I love you. I miss you everyday but especially today.

rainy escape

we escaped this weekend. ran away from life and spent time in the rain, by the ocean.

it was fabulous.

sometimes we all need to pack our bags and run away, just like when we were six. a break from our lives. even if it was only three days and even if it wasn't a hot beach.

it was just what i needed. we needed.

breaking free

i'm free. free as the wind. free as....oh wait, i'm a mom. but i am free from work and that thrills me beyond compare. although i will probably get bored, i need to be doing 500 things at once in order to stay on top of anything.

2 weeks. cleaning the house. organizing the house. painting a room. exercising. spending all day with my babies. cuddling the dog. cooking. prepping. getting ready to go back to work.

it will fly by.

the sun was shining as i drove away from the school today and i felt that wisp of the spring that is soon to come. winter is almost over. out will come the bright clothes, no socks, bike riding, running outside.

vitamin d.

i can't wait!

5 days

in 5 days it will be spring break and I can stop to breathe. i can't wait.

I'm worried that slowing down will look a little like stopping completely. I need to be productive. But I often find that when things slow down, I screech to a halt and do little to nothing in order to enjoy the break.

this time, I will be productive, active, getting crap done, and cuddling the kids.

that's the plan....

what is is that they say about plans??

what did i get myself into?

i got into grad school.

i start in july.

what the hell was i thinking??

checking in

I've created a page (look up) to keep a list of the books I've been reading. Despite being busy, I still find time to read. Always. Check it out. There are very few books on it so far but I will add to the list.

Life continues on and given the loss my city is feeling this weekend, I am grateful for just that. This weekend saw the end of three young lives in a house fire. So sad. It reminds me of how precious every day is.

My new contract is incredible. I again, love my students. I have 2 amazing classes, one fun class and one challenging class. Just the right balance. 110 students. All English course. A lot of marking. But my job fills me with joy.

Joy.

This weekend I cleaned, parented, cooked, prepped 11 meals for busy days, marked, did laundry, went for a run, went to the driving range, went to multiple hockey practices and games, went to soccer, sent several emails, organized, paid bills, grocery shopped, spent time with my kids, my husband, and went for a hike in the sun.

Perfect, busy, productive.

Now on Sunday night, I feel prepared to face the week ahead. Relaxed, organized, and content.

home sick

a forced slow day. a day to stay home, watch tv, pay bills, apply for passports, do what needs to be done.

i am behind in all the boring stuff. my life gets forgotten when i am busy enjoying it. but it can not continue to run smoothly if i don't face and deal with the non-glamourous aspects of living.

so here i sit at the computer, applying for things, returning emails, phone calls, dealing with all the work that moves us forward.

and the sun is out.

and my life is full.

and i am making plans.

so despite being sick, life is good. 

setting a goal

in an effort to set a goal i am going to register for this and i am super excited and super scared.

here's to finding the runner in myself, again.

And on we go

So life is plugging along, and I'm restless. I have been restless for a while, wanting change, not sure what changes to make.

And now I know, now I am preparing for the change, making plans, getting ready, making it happen. I am nervous. Really nervous. But really excited. Excited for something new in my life. Excited for what this change will mean for me and by extension, my family.

And I was offered (and I accepted) an additional contract for next semester so now I am working full time. All English. Opportunities to love my teaching in a different way from this semester.

And in one week I'll be saying goodbye to my current classes. My all time favourite classes. Some of the most amazing students that I have ever taught. And I will miss them. Immensely. Not teaching them will be sad. Because they are awesome  and the love they give me makes my time away from my babies worth it.

And other changes are happening. The best boss that I have ever had is leaving. Retiring. Today the students celebrated her with a giant surprise party. It was amazing. And it made me hopeful that one day, at the end of my career, my students will celebrate me in the same way. There was so much love in that gym today. Incredible.

And the boys. They are growing, reading, finding a new groove in this new, busier life of ours. We are a family. We love each other. We support each other. We brave new fronts together. My love is a rock of support, holding me up, keeping me going, letting me make changes that cause some chaos but will ultimately bring positive changes.

And I have found my joy again. It was so simple but it felt so hard to find. But there it is, deep down in the recesses of my being. Joy.

And I am grateful that it has returned. Because without it I felt like less of me. And now I feel like all of me again.

the sick

these holidays will be remembered as the one when we were sick. only the kids and i. leigh never gets sick.

i hate being sick. i'm ready to be healthy. i will be healthy again just in time to go back to work.

sick of being sick.

2013

2012: I have to say that this was not my best year. Lost track of health, had lots of good friends move away, saw a friend almost die, was too stressed out, lost sight of my priorities a bit, lost focus.

But there were some highlights: Oliver's birth, awesome camping with my cousins, a great trip to Vernon, another fabulous year at my school, my boys in all their amazingness, a new friend (or 3), a great visit from my favourite friends in China, a rekindling of an old but great friendship, a wedding, babies, watching my babe fall in love with Harry Potter, hockey, family time, tubing at Mt Washington. Many good things.

I had a tradition on my other blog, my private one, where I wrote a list of things that I was looking forward to in the new year. Not resolutions but anticipations. I am going to continue that tradition here.

2013, here is what I hope for from you:

- a renewed joy. I have lost my joy a bit lately, I want it back.
- health. For my family. For my friends.
- running. I miss running. I need races and training.
- yoga. I also miss yoga.
- another year at my school.
- changes for my kids.  something. Don't know what yet.
- a trip through BC and Alberta with my boys and mom
- time with my bestie in Fernie.
- working on new friendships.
- a trip to America to see another bestie
- time with my kids. doing whatever. living this life
- a hike. a big hike. with the kids. maybe Strathcona?
- small changes to the house. A constant work of art.
- finding the contentedness that I had last year.

This is also the time to reflect on where I am today compared to a year ago. Here is last year's list:


 So, welcome 2012, here is what I am hoping for from you:

-the most important, every year is health. Mine, my family's and my friends. I would like to up the ante this year and continue what was started last year for me. I am almost back up to where I started a year ago weight wise, which is discouraging, but I am healthier and more active.
-joy, oh so much joy.
-babies, 3 of my best friends are all expecting babies in the first half of this year. Babies, gotta love them.
-runs, lots and lots of runs. I'll be starting the year with one tomorrow, then a 10k in April, half marathon in May, another half in October and hopefully many more along the way.
-work, for Leigh and I. We are blessed with jobs we enjoy.
-travel, little trips (probably all focused around hockey) and ending the year with a big trip.
-a wedding. Not just any wedding but the wedding of one of my boys, the last of the men in my life to get married. I can't wait.
-time with my babies, for they are very quickly moving away from being my babies.
-hockey, lots and lots of hockey.
-friends, new and old. Family, crazy and sane (who are we kidding, there are no sane ones).
-small changes to our home.

I want life to move along exactly how it is right now. It's good. Life is good. I am full of gratitude and joy for my life. My abundant, complete, astounding life. It may seem simple but it brings me so much contentedness.