forward

don't stop moving forward, don't pause, don't stop. keep moving.

life is always moving, it never slows down for a minute for me to catch my breath. i miss catching my breath.

every moment of every day is charted, calendared, planned.

we are on a pause, a temporary change of plans, a brief opportunity to catch my breath. find my home. find my rhythm. i can enjoy the forward movement if i find my rhythm, have time to slow down and recharge.

time. thank you.

guilt

it plagues me

it is shoved into my face by the judgement of others

i am doing the best fucking job i can

i believe that i am doing a good job. i am doing a good job.

go live your own life and let me live mine

i love my life. i love my choices. i love where my life is headed.

i believe in the future that i am building

why do the changes that i make in my life seem to impact others in such ridiculous ways?

why do i have to answer to anyone other than my little family?

why are my choices wrong just because they are different from yours?

go away. judge others. or at least gossip behind my back and keep it away from me.

i feel enough guilt without those not invested adding more

warmth

fills me

motivates me

makes me do better

keeps me going

during the struggles

the bad moods

the chaos

the anger

puts it all in perspective

makes it all seem so ridiculous

dulls the noise

eases the headache

the strive

the pride

the goals

mamahood

 today is our day

a day to be appreciated

a day to be acknowledged

a day to not have to do everything

a day for breakfast in bed or dinner out

a day of silly handmade gifts that bring tears to your eyes

a day of hugs and kisses

 it's not easy

it's not always fun

sometimes it's hard

sometimes it's lonely

sometimes it's miserable

 sometimes it's perfect

sometimes it's organized

sometimes it's so cute you can't stand it

sometimes it's fullfilling

sometimes it's rewarding

sometimes it's amazing

 some days i am thrilled with my role

some days i can't imagine leaving my babies

some days i want to be nowhere but here

some days i have to escape the minute the cavalry arrives

some days i turn on the tv and let it parent

some days i spend on the phone, just to talk to another adult

all days are full of love

all days have some joy

all days are blessed

all days are reminders of the gifts i have been given

through all the work, misery, pain and suffering is this incredible reality that these boys are my life. my true life.

happy mother's day to me. i am thankful to be a mom.

today

You are our mother. You nourish and provide. We are obstinate teenagers and we disrespect, abuse and neglect you.

Today we celebrate you. Tomorrow we will ignore you.

I will not.

I will hope that today will inspire in all of us a renewed appreciation for the one who houses us, protects us and allows us to grow.

Today is your day.

the books that saved

almost 2 years ago a group of women met on my deck. books brought us together. friendship and food have kept us coming.

this once a month moment of food and friends and books has become a highlight in my month. it has become a moment to feel listened to, appreciated, fed.

i love these women.

i am so glad that i am a woman and am able to have nourishing, fulfilling, complete relationships. friendships that keep me going day to day. friends i can talk on the phone with to fill the adult-less days or friends who are just a quick email away.

i have the best friends.

fresh

a new fresh voice.

a group of voices.

old friends, sharing ideas, contemplating the world. bitching about other people.

check it out

perspective

today i can't stop thinking about the pain of others. i can't stop the anxiety of a world of hurt, pain, violence and conflict. i can't stop thinking about mothers, torn from their babies. mothers, wondering how they will protect their babies through the night, through the day. i can't stop thinking about the pain of loss. the unknown. the fear.

how did i end up here? so blessed. every advantage. safety. protection. freedom.

how can i complain? how can i whine and wince at the so-called-misery in my life?

i know no misery. i know no pain. no suffering. i am privileged.

my boys are safe in their home. they are protected. they will not be torn from their beds tonight, forced into slavery, fighting, war. they will not be bombed. they will not be raped, they will not be brutally tortured.

they will go to school. they will vote. they will have a voice.

i am blessed.

pages

you exist, here, for me.

when there is noise, screaming, chaos and misery, you are here, for me.

when the clouds are gray, the sink is full, the laundry is piling, you are here, for me.

when indecision is mounting, anxiety is building, fear is persistent, you are here, for me.

you are my old friend, my constant, my entertainment, my escape. you allow me to return to the places i love, the landscapes i know. home.

when there are no thank yous, no appreciation, you are there to cheer me on, build me up, or show me how much worse it could be.

desire

movement

solitude

panting

sweating

working

pain

success

satisfaction

this is what i want to be, a runner. moving through the world at a faster pace than other people.

a true friend

this place has become the friend that you fail to write to, call or even email for long stretches of time but you know that no matter what, she is still there.

hello old friend, you are not forgotten, just put on the back burner, lost priority but no less loved.

i am here, somewhere under the mom-wear and aching to come out, to shout, to be remembered but for now the mom-wear is tightly done up, taken over. it doesn't give an inch.

but remember, old friend, that underneath is still the friend, the pal, the martini sharing chick who is here, no matter what. always and forever.