in the perfection ...

... of my life, I am blessed with children who I love like my own who are not my own. the joy and pain of being an aunt. these children are so incredible, so amazing, and I miss them, constantly.

if only victoria and vernon were closer to each other.

if only I could see them everyday.

if only I could ever  adequately express to them my real love for them, my need to protect them, feed them, hug them, tuck them in and tell them stories, like a mother would.

they are mine in my heart but someone else' in life.

and my heart breaks when they drive away.

and then...

...a 17 year old boy told me my fly was down in front of his friends and it turns out that I can be embarrassed in front of students.

In other news, life is busy but it is Friday which means wine, take out, and movies. I love Fridays. With all my heart. If I could, I would cheat on my husband with Fridays.

I was sick this week which resulted in a loss of routines, stuff didn't get done, bad food got eaten which made for more tummy aches, and I finished a good book which makes me happy and sad.

Report cards are next week which means I should be marking because I have a ton to do but I deserve a night off, right?

Now I have the weekend ahead of me with soccer, basketball, glee class, eco fairs, yard work, hikes and family time.

And in the in between time I have my beautiful babes and it makes me happy.

routine

and then came the part where i returned to work, got back into my routines, and felt normal again. no more sorrow, no more sadness, just chaos, gong shows and schedules.

happy as a clam.

busy as a... something that is busy.

and a wedding to look forward to.

and a baby to look forward to.

and fun times are a foot.

and shakespeare has entered my classrooms and i love it. LOVE it.

and i registered for my first grad school class. yikes.

and i bought some spring time clothes and have already worn them because it got warm and sunny this week which is probably why i am happy.

spring. blossoms are out. yahoo!

blah

Today I miss my friends. I miss my best friends, there are few in this world who truly and honestly get me, who I can be completely honest with and that still like me. And none of those people live here. And I am bad a staying in touch. I'm horrible at the phone, okay at text and mediocre at email.

So here I am, by myself in my silent house on a Saturday night, feeling sorry for myself because all I really want is to have one of my bestest, closest, oldest friends sitting here with me, sharing wine, stories and bitching.

And I have some friends. People here who I like. Some who may, over time, start to get me. But for now, they are new friends. And it's different.

I need a hug.

I need a shoulder, a hand, a look that will make me laugh and remind me that there are people in this world who care about me.

Because right now, in my silent house, it is hard to remember that those people are out there. Somewhere. All over the world.

So, my lifers. My friends till the end. I love you. I miss you everyday but especially today.

rainy escape

we escaped this weekend. ran away from life and spent time in the rain, by the ocean.

it was fabulous.

sometimes we all need to pack our bags and run away, just like when we were six. a break from our lives. even if it was only three days and even if it wasn't a hot beach.

it was just what i needed. we needed.

breaking free

i'm free. free as the wind. free as....oh wait, i'm a mom. but i am free from work and that thrills me beyond compare. although i will probably get bored, i need to be doing 500 things at once in order to stay on top of anything.

2 weeks. cleaning the house. organizing the house. painting a room. exercising. spending all day with my babies. cuddling the dog. cooking. prepping. getting ready to go back to work.

it will fly by.

the sun was shining as i drove away from the school today and i felt that wisp of the spring that is soon to come. winter is almost over. out will come the bright clothes, no socks, bike riding, running outside.

vitamin d.

i can't wait!

5 days

in 5 days it will be spring break and I can stop to breathe. i can't wait.

I'm worried that slowing down will look a little like stopping completely. I need to be productive. But I often find that when things slow down, I screech to a halt and do little to nothing in order to enjoy the break.

this time, I will be productive, active, getting crap done, and cuddling the kids.

that's the plan....

what is is that they say about plans??