the clouds are getting heavy, the wind is picking up, birds struggle to move through the air.
i love storms. they provide the perfect excuse for candles, fires, wines, and movies. they force quiet to counter the noise they create. they encourage cuddles for warmth and because.... baby, it's cold outside.
tonight instead of cuddling, wine, fire, i will sit in a classroom and learn, discuss, present.
but in my heart there will be a quiet stormy night at home.
usually I love this day. I spend time preparing, cooking, decorating. this year it has faded into the background. instead i have disappeared, stayed in pyjamas, and read. illness has reared it's ugly head and consumed me.
I am thankful for a day of rest.
I am thankful for my love.
I am thankful for my tribe.
I am thankful that hospitals exist to care for my lovely and her little lovelies.
I am thankful for fall.
I am thankful for work.
I am thankful for the embarrassment of riches that is my life.
gratitude fills in the spots that sorrow has left. it seeps in to remind me that the pain is part of the joy. it fills me with a joy that lightens.
doctors and specialists and tests. another medically focused time. hopefully this too will lead to nothing but the nagging negative nelly in the back of my brain wonders if it will be something. so we wait and wonder.
while we wait we watch the world around us crumble into states of cancer and death. children dying. children with cancer. friends losing their fight. friends starting their fight. the world is mean.
my little carved out corner carries a lot of joy. am I really this blessed?
last night at a birthday party for two friends we filled out cards to ourselves. we were to say one intention for this coming year, one thing we forgive ourselves for from last year, and a theme for the coming year.
this was easy for me. I forgive myself for taking on too much last year. it was bad but i have learned from it because my intention for this year is to spend more time with friends and family. my theme word for this year is balance.
i promise to have balance this year. this starts with saying no to a bigger job and feeling really good about working half time. I will take the time as the gift it is and accept how that impacts our finances.
and I am proud of myself for learning from last year and saying no.
I have successfully completed my first week of grad school. The unknown has become known. The unfamiliar is familiar. In fact, it's comfortable.
I love being a student. I have always loved being a student. That is a big part of why I am a teacher. I love to learn. I love to bum around and read books and write papers and be stressed about deadlines. I love to listen to experts in their fields get excited about what they are teaching you. I love to chat with classmates about what we are learning, where the best coffee is on campus, what they are writing their papers about. I love the library. I love sitting in coffee shops with my coffee, computer, and text book. I love hanging out with one of my besties after class, getting excited about we learned. I love preparing presentations (although I hate the presentation part). I love to drink beers on Fridays on campus. I love it all.
And now I get to do that while still having this other amazing life that I love. With the perspective that being older, with kids, affords me. I have the ability to relate the ideas, make connections, find the common ground.