a place for me. quiet. calm. creative.


and then I went back to the past

I have successfully completed my first week of grad school. The unknown has become known. The unfamiliar is familiar. In fact, it's comfortable.

I love being a student. I have always loved being a student. That is a big part of why I am a teacher. I love to learn. I love to bum around and read books and write papers and be stressed about deadlines. I love to listen to experts in their fields get excited about what they are teaching you. I love to chat with classmates about what we are learning, where the best coffee is on campus, what they are writing their papers about. I love the library. I love sitting in coffee shops with my coffee, computer, and text book. I love hanging out with one of my besties after class, getting excited about we learned. I love preparing presentations (although I hate the presentation part). I love to drink beers on Fridays on campus. I love it all.

And now I get to do that while still having this other amazing life that I love. With the perspective that being older, with kids, affords me. I have the ability to relate the ideas, make connections, find the common ground.

I am so happy.

And so busy.

Now I must go read, write, and learn.


and so I wait...

wait for the changes to start. the chaos to hit. the unknown to become known. the known to become my past.

i like/hate change. i hate the loss of control. i hate the unknown. i like the newness. the freshness. the excitement.

i hate the idea that my daily social life (which i love) will become a thing of the past.

i hate the idea of not being a roadrunner.

of making new friends.

learning where everything is.

not having familiar faces in a classroom.

i am saying goodbye to people i love and care about and hoping that we all land somewhere safely. and still find comfort in each others' embraces.

and i try to find the peace in warmth, sun, time, slowing down, kind and friendly faces, travels, visits, drinks and loads of laughter.

that is what will get me through.



i am feeling the need to slow down. enjoy life. find some  balance. find some health. i am fearful of my health after a year of trying to lose weight and not being successful. i am fearful of missing my time. the days go slowly but the years go quickly.

so i am torn.

torn between a road trip in august to spend time with family and friends who i love and staying home and chilling out, relaxing, spending time with our four. saving money. getting healthy. cuddling. if i stay home we can have time. if i do a road trip i will have visiting time but cut my summer down by a lot.

and so i think about options. i make plans in my head. i imagine possibilities.

and i look forward to the change of pace. more calm. more movement. more time.


in the perfection ...

... of my life, I am blessed with children who I love like my own who are not my own. the joy and pain of being an aunt. these children are so incredible, so amazing, and I miss them, constantly.

if only victoria and vernon were closer to each other.

if only I could see them everyday.

if only I could ever  adequately express to them my real love for them, my need to protect them, feed them, hug them, tuck them in and tell them stories, like a mother would.

they are mine in my heart but someone else' in life.

and my heart breaks when they drive away.


and then...

...a 17 year old boy told me my fly was down in front of his friends and it turns out that I can be embarrassed in front of students.

In other news, life is busy but it is Friday which means wine, take out, and movies. I love Fridays. With all my heart. If I could, I would cheat on my husband with Fridays.

I was sick this week which resulted in a loss of routines, stuff didn't get done, bad food got eaten which made for more tummy aches, and I finished a good book which makes me happy and sad.

Report cards are next week which means I should be marking because I have a ton to do but I deserve a night off, right?

Now I have the weekend ahead of me with soccer, basketball, glee class, eco fairs, yard work, hikes and family time.

And in the in between time I have my beautiful babes and it makes me happy.



and then came the part where i returned to work, got back into my routines, and felt normal again. no more sorrow, no more sadness, just chaos, gong shows and schedules.

happy as a clam.

busy as a... something that is busy.

and a wedding to look forward to.

and a baby to look forward to.

and fun times are a foot.

and shakespeare has entered my classrooms and i love it. LOVE it.

and i registered for my first grad school class. yikes.

and i bought some spring time clothes and have already worn them because it got warm and sunny this week which is probably why i am happy.

spring. blossoms are out. yahoo!



Today I miss my friends. I miss my best friends, there are few in this world who truly and honestly get me, who I can be completely honest with and that still like me. And none of those people live here. And I am bad a staying in touch. I'm horrible at the phone, okay at text and mediocre at email.

So here I am, by myself in my silent house on a Saturday night, feeling sorry for myself because all I really want is to have one of my bestest, closest, oldest friends sitting here with me, sharing wine, stories and bitching.

And I have some friends. People here who I like. Some who may, over time, start to get me. But for now, they are new friends. And it's different.

I need a hug.

I need a shoulder, a hand, a look that will make me laugh and remind me that there are people in this world who care about me.

Because right now, in my silent house, it is hard to remember that those people are out there. Somewhere. All over the world.

So, my lifers. My friends till the end. I love you. I miss you everyday but especially today.