post holiday cleanse

In many ways, my life needs a cleanse. I ate poorly, very poorly, after 2 months of eating very good, so now I feel yuckers. My house is chaos after months of working too much and too hard and after the Christmas gift frenzy (not really but still new things that need homes) so now my home needs a cleanse.

Today was day one of house cleanse and I started with my sickies bedroom. My very sick babe needed his room cleaned, disinfected and reorganized. One garbage bag later, his room is beautiful and organized.

Now if I could just get my food back on track. There is so much yummy food in my house and way too much alcohol. I must give it away.

And run. I must run.

I like the post holiday time. A new year is just around the corner, which offers endless possibilities and new starts.

on my own

I will make every effort not to sing in public.

I will most definitely cry.

I will indulge in the world of the French Revolution,.

Today is the day of joy and song. Love and pain.

It is Les Miserable day and I am so immensely happy.

(this movie better not suck)

and...

Yesterday my students showered me with gifts (a first for me) including the sweetest card I have ever received.

And I danced gangham style in front of all the students with a group of teachers.

And I line danced with 600 students ( a school tradition) and my filled with joy.

I love my school, I love my students, I love my job.

*pause*

It's the first day of Christmas holidays and I feel calm. Real calm. All semester, one of my big problems has been that when there is a pause in the chaos or a break in the schedule, I have stalled out. Sat, been lazy, stopped. This isn't great. Free time needs to be efficiently used when it comes so infrequently.

But now, it's 16 days of free time. Holidays, family, friends - old and new, food, home, an escape to my favourite island. I don't have to rush around. I can enjoy the spaces in between. Chill out with my babies. Call friends. Catch up.

I know it will be full, busy, a different kind of busy. I know it will be over before I know it. But for now, it is here and I am in love with the break.

tis the season...

...to feel guilty that you don't feel jolly.

Big decisions are being contemplated in our home. It's stressing me out.

Things are not smooth. It's not an easy time. But I am trying to fake it. Fake the jolly. Embrace the season. I know that at some point it will feel more jolly, but now it's just hard.

So we go through the motions, move forward, move towards the day in two weeks when all the work will have been worth it, that moment when my kids are filled with pure joy and I will find the jolly again.

two little words

I'm often bad at them. But this week I am practicing.

No.

I'm sorry.

With regrets.

I can not take any more on. I am at my boiling point. So I am working at getting better at "no".

Let's see if this helps.

Thank you, friend, for reminding me to sometimes say no.

and then some love...

not that I was asking for it but it came. it brightened my day and week. it reminded me that i have amazing friends in my life who continue to care about me regardless of where they are, or how long it's been.

and now the funk is gone. i am still unsure about what is coming ahead of us, but none of us are. i only know that in this moment my life is perfection:

christmas music
house tidy
boys working on a project together
candles burning
craft fair imminent

perfection.

abandoned

I have been abandoned. All the people I count on, rely on, lean on have left. It's too hard to make new friends at 36 years old. I am coming to accept that my future may not include a best friend or even friends at all. I am an extrovert. This is extremely painful to imagine and it makes me feel sad and miserable. I don't know how to move forward without best friends.

I am stuck.

I am sad.

I have no community.

throw me a line

Drowning.

I am.

And it sucks.

Friends are leaving and it makes me incredibly sad. I feel very alone without friends to turn to.

Work is chaos. I still love it, just so much work. I am working harder than I have ever worked as a teacher. And it's a lot. And I am not doing enough. It should be more.

Basketball has started which means that my previously free evenings are no longer. We have basketball, hockey, soccer, swimming plus 2 full time jobs, volunteering, meetings and trying to see each other in between.

But we are healthy, and surviving this chaos. And I am still blessed. Because I love my job, I love coaching, I enjoy watching my kids play sports and have fun. I feel fulfilled.

And it's 1 month till Christmas and that makes me so happy. I can't wait for cold nights, Christmas lights, egg nog and rum, family dinners, caroling, church, time together and a little new years escape.

Abundance, overflowing.

Boom

My beautiful friend had her insides explode, required other people's blood to be pumped into her while she had life saving surgery. And she will be fine. It will take a long time for her to feel normal but she will be fine. Perfect, really.

A 10 year old at the kids' school has brain cancer. She is being treated at Children's hospital. Her family is struggling, trying to find the way to cope through the unthinkable.

A toddler in my town has had her leukemia come back, yes, she is 2 and she has cancer again. unimaginable.

A teenager in my town has had his cancer return and this time they are keeping him comfortable. Allowing him time to do the things he wants to do before he dies. A bucket list. Because he is a teenager, not a man, and he is going to die.

My life is full of joy. My life is full of love. My life is a life and I am so grateful. I can not complain. I can not whine and bitch about the lack of time, or how busy I am or anything. Because my insides did not explode. My child does not have cancer. I am not a teenager who will never become an adult.

This is a bummer post but this is all immeasurably sad. And I need to remember to have perspective. Because I am blessed.

off kilter

Is that how you spell it? Kilter? Who knows. Who cares.

I'm off balance. Slightly askew from centre. We've been sick. And too busy. And not social. And not friendly. And it causes me to be off.

And then today, I was reading an article following the families of the victims and sole survivor of last year's horrific car crash in Grande Prairie and I found myself sobbing. Sobbing at the pain of those 5 families, struggling through an unthinkable tragedy. Sobbing that I can not seem to struggle through my week of snotty, tired, cranky kids. Sobbing that I miss my social life. Sobbing that my marking is piling up. Sobbing that there is a pile at the bottom of my stairs of stuff that I need to get rid of that I can't find time to sort. Sobbing.

And I am grateful for the sobbing. Perspective always helps to refocus me. I am filled with empathy. It is the overwhelming emotion in my body on any given today. And today my empathy for those families has helped me to remember my blessings. Remember that having an off week does not define me. Remember that I can change the way I face this situation. Remember that hiding away will not solve anything.

I have my boys. Today, they are here with me, safe. Those families do not.

Thank you for the perspective.

a hole

Today I am missing my friend. Everyday since she left I have been missing her. Some days I am distracted and forget and then I remember and I am filled with an emptiness of knowing that she is not available to walk with me, share a meal, share a laugh or listen to me whine.

Who will I whine to?

Apparently you.

Thank you friend.

Abundance

Happy Thanksgiving! Every day should be thanksgiving. We should be reminded to be grateful for this life, this amazing, abundant life, everyday. Most of the world lives on the minimum required food, or less, everyday. Today we will indulge in copious amounts of food. Be grateful for that food. It devalues the struggle of those without if we take our abundance for granted.

Abundance.

An abundant life.

I am filled with gratitude for the incredible gifts that my life holds. I have a partner who stands beside me everyday, an amazing family who fill me up, friends who keep me sane, a job that I love, a home that comforts me, luxuries that I do not need,  and all the necessities that I do need. My life is full, overfull.

Today I am filled with gratitude. Everyday, even my dark days, I am filled with gratitude.

This, is a life worth living.

blur

September has been busy. Very busy. I've barely been home before 8pm the whole month. Back to work. 3 academic preps (I am teaching 3 different academic courses, which mean a lot of prep and a lot of marking). Hockey. I am now the manager of K's team. Leigh is the head coach. I'm involved with the association. It's busy. Too busy. It's been barely-seeing-your-kids-kinda busy.

But it's good. The time I am with my kids is totally invested. We are developing new friendships. I am loving my classes. And other being a little sick, I've stayed on top of everything.

Things will slow down but for now, we are making it work.

My best friend, cousin, previous roommate and overall go-to girl is moving away on Sunday. Far away. I am sad. Very sad. Deep in my gut sad. She is the person I go to for everything. Help with my kids, walks, company, to vent, to gossip, to spend very long periods of time talking to, to spend time with her adorable baby, to share meals as families. I love her and I am sad that she leaving me. But I am honestly, without resentment, happy that she is about to start this new chapter with her family.

But still sad.

Crying now.

People keep leaving me. It sucks.

Off to bed to prepare for our busy Saturday (soccer, hockey, fundraiser, help my bestie prepare to move on Sunday, family dinner).

And goodbyes.

This will be a weekend of tears.

Dirty Dozen

This was my summer of 12.

My love and I celebrated 12 years of marriage last weekend. We escaped to spend some time refocusing and recharging. We talked about what we want for our little family over the next few years and how we would like to achieve those goals. It was lovely and much needed.

And I read 12 books this summer. I started out with the Summer of Smut. I read escapism and it was exactly what I needed to kick off the summer. The quality of the reading did improve, marginally. Here's my summer book list:

1. Valley of the Horses - Book 2 of the Clan of the Cave Bear series, we read the first book for book club and I needed to finish the series
2. The Mammoth Hunters - Book 3
3, 4 and 5 - 50 Shades of Grey trilogy - SMUT
6. Bared to You - more Smut
7. Beautiful Ruins - not smut but a light summer read (Book club pick)
8. Freedom - A.MAZING!!
9. The Book Thief - fabulous
10. The Winter Palace - Catherine the Great (book club pick)
11. Bossypants - Tina Fey, who I love!
12. Far to Go by Alison Pick - which I am currently reading

You may wonder how I have time to read anything, let alone 12 books in 8 weeks, well...I ignore my kids or I sit on the deck reading while they play. So worth it. In 5 days I go back to work and it will take me one month to read my book club books. So I have to enjoy the reading freedom while I can.

Friends and Sun

This summer I have been able to spend a lot of time with friends. Old friends and new friends and best friends. It is so rewarding to spend time with people who accept you, don't judge you, love you and support you. It's encouraging to know that there are people in my life that celebrate my success and are rooting for me to do well. Sometimes, this makes the less positive relationships more obvious, more painful. I have some evaluating to do of some of the relationships in my life. Every one should be building me up, not tearing me down.

My Okanagan trip this year was amazing, fun and hot. It felt like an actual vacation and not just the obligatory visit with family. We spend a time doing the things that make the Okanagan special instead of just jumping from house to house. It was incredible. I am so grateful that I have so many wonderful people in my life.

Our trip ended with a day lazing on the lake, watching the kids jump in the water, hanging out on a dock, visiting, eating, and swimming. It was perfection. A beautiful day to end a beautiful trip.

Moving forward

My life is in flux right now. Work ends of Friday, I have no job lined up and, for the first time, I really want to be where I am. It's hard in this field to get your heart set on one school. I don't want to change schools, start again. I like my school. I love my friends there.

This is the first time since I became a mom where I have friends who are not all about my kids. Not that I don't love and appreciate my mom friends, because I really do, but it's nice to have friends who like me for the other me, the true me, the non-mom me. That me is returning now. This year has allowed me to rediscover myself, the side of myself that existed before I had kids. And I like her. She's fun. I hope that she doesn't disappear this summer. That she doesn't get lost in the stay-at-home-mom thing. And I hope that I don't lose these friends. Because I really (really) love them and now can not imagine my life without them.

I forgot how fun it is to make new friends. Making friends as an adult is hard. But when you do, it's this whole world of newness. Conversations, getting to know each other, hanging out, excited to hang out.

So here we go, into the summer. Hopefully finding myself where I want to be. Spending time with new and old friends. And reconnecting with my boys.

Always an adventure, never a dull moment, and other such cliches.

running

today I ran 10k in 1.06.23 which is double the time of elite runners but 7 minutes faster than my previous best time, which was only 5 weeks ago.  i'm proud of what I did today. it brings me so close to my first fitness goal which is to run 10k in under 60 minutes.

i ran in a sea of women, 1500 women, goddesses. it was amazing, everyone was encouraging and supportive. and at the end, i had a friend to cheer me on as i sprinted to the finish line.

pause

today I want the day off. no dishes, no dinner, no lunch prep. just an afternoon to curl up with a book.

Instead I have to find internal motivation somewhere and get to work because the little people will revolt.

who gave the little people all the power?

three points

I'm not sure why groups of three are so hard but they are. we were not created to spend time in a triangle. It makes us uncomfortable and causes conflict.

I'm done with conflict and chaos. grow up. we are adults and should be able to interact more mature than teenagers.

just saying

Change

This blog is going to change. Since making my other blog private, I feel like this needs to be a place for more writing but I am often daunted with the need to be creative and find that I avoid writing to avoid writer's block. So instead, I'm just going to write, about anything, and see where it goes.

So there it is. A new day for the old blog.

wasteland

my juices haven't been flowing. they have been sapped dry by the constant duldrum and exhaustion of life. it hasn't been about me. it has been about them. work. kids. family. friends. chaos.

where did i go? sometimes i remember who i was and i'm not sure i liked that person. i like this person better. or at least i foresee liking the person that i am always becoming.

change.

always.

creating and developing and molding and shaping. this is part of that. when i ignore it, i am ignoring me. it's back to me.