post holiday cleanse

In many ways, my life needs a cleanse. I ate poorly, very poorly, after 2 months of eating very good, so now I feel yuckers. My house is chaos after months of working too much and too hard and after the Christmas gift frenzy (not really but still new things that need homes) so now my home needs a cleanse.

Today was day one of house cleanse and I started with my sickies bedroom. My very sick babe needed his room cleaned, disinfected and reorganized. One garbage bag later, his room is beautiful and organized.

Now if I could just get my food back on track. There is so much yummy food in my house and way too much alcohol. I must give it away.

And run. I must run.

I like the post holiday time. A new year is just around the corner, which offers endless possibilities and new starts.

on my own

I will make every effort not to sing in public.

I will most definitely cry.

I will indulge in the world of the French Revolution,.

Today is the day of joy and song. Love and pain.

It is Les Miserable day and I am so immensely happy.

(this movie better not suck)

and...

Yesterday my students showered me with gifts (a first for me) including the sweetest card I have ever received.

And I danced gangham style in front of all the students with a group of teachers.

And I line danced with 600 students ( a school tradition) and my filled with joy.

I love my school, I love my students, I love my job.

*pause*

It's the first day of Christmas holidays and I feel calm. Real calm. All semester, one of my big problems has been that when there is a pause in the chaos or a break in the schedule, I have stalled out. Sat, been lazy, stopped. This isn't great. Free time needs to be efficiently used when it comes so infrequently.

But now, it's 16 days of free time. Holidays, family, friends - old and new, food, home, an escape to my favourite island. I don't have to rush around. I can enjoy the spaces in between. Chill out with my babies. Call friends. Catch up.

I know it will be full, busy, a different kind of busy. I know it will be over before I know it. But for now, it is here and I am in love with the break.

tis the season...

...to feel guilty that you don't feel jolly.

Big decisions are being contemplated in our home. It's stressing me out.

Things are not smooth. It's not an easy time. But I am trying to fake it. Fake the jolly. Embrace the season. I know that at some point it will feel more jolly, but now it's just hard.

So we go through the motions, move forward, move towards the day in two weeks when all the work will have been worth it, that moment when my kids are filled with pure joy and I will find the jolly again.

two little words

I'm often bad at them. But this week I am practicing.

No.

I'm sorry.

With regrets.

I can not take any more on. I am at my boiling point. So I am working at getting better at "no".

Let's see if this helps.

Thank you, friend, for reminding me to sometimes say no.

and then some love...

not that I was asking for it but it came. it brightened my day and week. it reminded me that i have amazing friends in my life who continue to care about me regardless of where they are, or how long it's been.

and now the funk is gone. i am still unsure about what is coming ahead of us, but none of us are. i only know that in this moment my life is perfection:

christmas music
house tidy
boys working on a project together
candles burning
craft fair imminent

perfection.

abandoned

I have been abandoned. All the people I count on, rely on, lean on have left. It's too hard to make new friends at 36 years old. I am coming to accept that my future may not include a best friend or even friends at all. I am an extrovert. This is extremely painful to imagine and it makes me feel sad and miserable. I don't know how to move forward without best friends.

I am stuck.

I am sad.

I have no community.