torn

i am feeling the need to slow down. enjoy life. find some  balance. find some health. i am fearful of my health after a year of trying to lose weight and not being successful. i am fearful of missing my time. the days go slowly but the years go quickly.

so i am torn.

torn between a road trip in august to spend time with family and friends who i love and staying home and chilling out, relaxing, spending time with our four. saving money. getting healthy. cuddling. if i stay home we can have time. if i do a road trip i will have visiting time but cut my summer down by a lot.

and so i think about options. i make plans in my head. i imagine possibilities.

and i look forward to the change of pace. more calm. more movement. more time.

in the perfection ...

... of my life, I am blessed with children who I love like my own who are not my own. the joy and pain of being an aunt. these children are so incredible, so amazing, and I miss them, constantly.

if only victoria and vernon were closer to each other.

if only I could see them everyday.

if only I could ever  adequately express to them my real love for them, my need to protect them, feed them, hug them, tuck them in and tell them stories, like a mother would.

they are mine in my heart but someone else' in life.

and my heart breaks when they drive away.