throw me a line

Drowning.

I am.

And it sucks.

Friends are leaving and it makes me incredibly sad. I feel very alone without friends to turn to.

Work is chaos. I still love it, just so much work. I am working harder than I have ever worked as a teacher. And it's a lot. And I am not doing enough. It should be more.

Basketball has started which means that my previously free evenings are no longer. We have basketball, hockey, soccer, swimming plus 2 full time jobs, volunteering, meetings and trying to see each other in between.

But we are healthy, and surviving this chaos. And I am still blessed. Because I love my job, I love coaching, I enjoy watching my kids play sports and have fun. I feel fulfilled.

And it's 1 month till Christmas and that makes me so happy. I can't wait for cold nights, Christmas lights, egg nog and rum, family dinners, caroling, church, time together and a little new years escape.

Abundance, overflowing.

Boom

My beautiful friend had her insides explode, required other people's blood to be pumped into her while she had life saving surgery. And she will be fine. It will take a long time for her to feel normal but she will be fine. Perfect, really.

A 10 year old at the kids' school has brain cancer. She is being treated at Children's hospital. Her family is struggling, trying to find the way to cope through the unthinkable.

A toddler in my town has had her leukemia come back, yes, she is 2 and she has cancer again. unimaginable.

A teenager in my town has had his cancer return and this time they are keeping him comfortable. Allowing him time to do the things he wants to do before he dies. A bucket list. Because he is a teenager, not a man, and he is going to die.

My life is full of joy. My life is full of love. My life is a life and I am so grateful. I can not complain. I can not whine and bitch about the lack of time, or how busy I am or anything. Because my insides did not explode. My child does not have cancer. I am not a teenager who will never become an adult.

This is a bummer post but this is all immeasurably sad. And I need to remember to have perspective. Because I am blessed.

off kilter

Is that how you spell it? Kilter? Who knows. Who cares.

I'm off balance. Slightly askew from centre. We've been sick. And too busy. And not social. And not friendly. And it causes me to be off.

And then today, I was reading an article following the families of the victims and sole survivor of last year's horrific car crash in Grande Prairie and I found myself sobbing. Sobbing at the pain of those 5 families, struggling through an unthinkable tragedy. Sobbing that I can not seem to struggle through my week of snotty, tired, cranky kids. Sobbing that I miss my social life. Sobbing that my marking is piling up. Sobbing that there is a pile at the bottom of my stairs of stuff that I need to get rid of that I can't find time to sort. Sobbing.

And I am grateful for the sobbing. Perspective always helps to refocus me. I am filled with empathy. It is the overwhelming emotion in my body on any given today. And today my empathy for those families has helped me to remember my blessings. Remember that having an off week does not define me. Remember that I can change the way I face this situation. Remember that hiding away will not solve anything.

I have my boys. Today, they are here with me, safe. Those families do not.

Thank you for the perspective.

a hole

Today I am missing my friend. Everyday since she left I have been missing her. Some days I am distracted and forget and then I remember and I am filled with an emptiness of knowing that she is not available to walk with me, share a meal, share a laugh or listen to me whine.

Who will I whine to?

Apparently you.

Thank you friend.

Abundance

Happy Thanksgiving! Every day should be thanksgiving. We should be reminded to be grateful for this life, this amazing, abundant life, everyday. Most of the world lives on the minimum required food, or less, everyday. Today we will indulge in copious amounts of food. Be grateful for that food. It devalues the struggle of those without if we take our abundance for granted.

Abundance.

An abundant life.

I am filled with gratitude for the incredible gifts that my life holds. I have a partner who stands beside me everyday, an amazing family who fill me up, friends who keep me sane, a job that I love, a home that comforts me, luxuries that I do not need,  and all the necessities that I do need. My life is full, overfull.

Today I am filled with gratitude. Everyday, even my dark days, I am filled with gratitude.

This, is a life worth living.

blur

September has been busy. Very busy. I've barely been home before 8pm the whole month. Back to work. 3 academic preps (I am teaching 3 different academic courses, which mean a lot of prep and a lot of marking). Hockey. I am now the manager of K's team. Leigh is the head coach. I'm involved with the association. It's busy. Too busy. It's been barely-seeing-your-kids-kinda busy.

But it's good. The time I am with my kids is totally invested. We are developing new friendships. I am loving my classes. And other being a little sick, I've stayed on top of everything.

Things will slow down but for now, we are making it work.

My best friend, cousin, previous roommate and overall go-to girl is moving away on Sunday. Far away. I am sad. Very sad. Deep in my gut sad. She is the person I go to for everything. Help with my kids, walks, company, to vent, to gossip, to spend very long periods of time talking to, to spend time with her adorable baby, to share meals as families. I love her and I am sad that she leaving me. But I am honestly, without resentment, happy that she is about to start this new chapter with her family.

But still sad.

Crying now.

People keep leaving me. It sucks.

Off to bed to prepare for our busy Saturday (soccer, hockey, fundraiser, help my bestie prepare to move on Sunday, family dinner).

And goodbyes.

This will be a weekend of tears.

Dirty Dozen

This was my summer of 12.

My love and I celebrated 12 years of marriage last weekend. We escaped to spend some time refocusing and recharging. We talked about what we want for our little family over the next few years and how we would like to achieve those goals. It was lovely and much needed.

And I read 12 books this summer. I started out with the Summer of Smut. I read escapism and it was exactly what I needed to kick off the summer. The quality of the reading did improve, marginally. Here's my summer book list:

1. Valley of the Horses - Book 2 of the Clan of the Cave Bear series, we read the first book for book club and I needed to finish the series
2. The Mammoth Hunters - Book 3
3, 4 and 5 - 50 Shades of Grey trilogy - SMUT
6. Bared to You - more Smut
7. Beautiful Ruins - not smut but a light summer read (Book club pick)
8. Freedom - A.MAZING!!
9. The Book Thief - fabulous
10. The Winter Palace - Catherine the Great (book club pick)
11. Bossypants - Tina Fey, who I love!
12. Far to Go by Alison Pick - which I am currently reading

You may wonder how I have time to read anything, let alone 12 books in 8 weeks, well...I ignore my kids or I sit on the deck reading while they play. So worth it. In 5 days I go back to work and it will take me one month to read my book club books. So I have to enjoy the reading freedom while I can.