torn

obligation. choice. love. friendship.

i was taught to stand by my family. family first.

friendship means everything to me. true friends. forever friends. faithful friends.

torn between the two.

loyalty. truth.

hurt.

grey day

today i want to wallow in my own self pity. i want to lay in bed and feel sorry for myself. i want to obsess over my failures. i want to cry.

my kids won't let me.

my previous self would have watched tv, had a bath, laid in bed. complain. whine. be depressed.

my mama self has to get up, get moving, entertain, feed, nourish the mind and body. no time for self pity. ignore it. forget it. get over it.

i don't want to get over it, forget it. i want to wallow. let me wallow.

sometimes i miss the old me, the previous self. she did not appreciate the time she had. the indulgences. i want one day of her life back. maybe i would appreciate it more. take advantage of it. get the most out of a day of doing nothing. sleep in. watch daytime tv. eat when i want to. lay in bed in the middle of the day.

*sigh*

conflict

why does my trip have to be filled with conflict? my own and others.

i hate conflict.

i avoid conflict.

but there are times when it's absolutely necessary and during those times i am better with the written word. avoid face to face conflict with me, i'm terrible at it. write an email. compose a letter. hire a plane and write it in the air.

better yet, don't be a bitch or an selfish asshole and then we won't need to have conflict. why can't we all just get along? give peace a chance man.

in three days i can return to my life and hopefully **fingers crossed, knock on wood, pray, ask my spirit guide, wish** there will be no conflict for a while.

energy

it's back. i have it again. i am efficient. working reminded me of how much i could get done in a day. now my expectations are higher. now i do more.

i was lazy.

now i'm not.

it's good.

it's sad that i need to be reminded of how efficient and organized i can be. i can be the person with the organized closets. i just have to find the time to do them and do it. my time is well spent cleaning, organizing. my life runs better. my heart beats normally. i am at peace.

i like clean closets.

pit

there is a pit in my stomach. i do not know what is causing it. i know that the stress is leaving. i'm waiting for the other shoe to fall.

go away anxiety. i don't want you to dictate my mood. i want to shove you down and be full of joy. face my day. enjoy my blessings.

today i will be full of joy. i will ignore the pit in my stomach. i will force the anxiety to go away. i will be full of joy.

if i will it, it will come.

friend

i have a friend i love. she brings me joy. she brings me peace. our friendship will withstand time, distance, kids, husbands. we will be old, wrinkled ladies together, drinking martinis and checking out all the 70 year old men. we will be forever.

i know this without a shadow of a doubt.

how?

because we are true. we are honest. we have morphed our friendship from single girls to mamas. i respect her as a mama. i think she is amazing. i believe that we look at the world similarly. that we view our relationships with our children and our husbands the same. but we are different. different enough to be interesting.

i love knowing that she is in my life. that she's not too far away. that she loves me too.

i love that she writes letters. that when i see that return address my heart is happy. a little bit of joy. light. love.

i love you my dear friend. you mean so much to me. and i can't wait to sit and be old and crochety with you.

lists

the lists are what make the day go. without them, i leave without everything i need. how would i know what to do, bring, say, accomplish, make, eat, cook, wear.

example:

-pick up paint for living room
-weed back patch of dirt
-get american money
-make mortgage appointment
-paint spare bedroom
-paint living room
-paint kitchen
-make presents
-get rid of old barbeque
-make list for seattle trip
-make list for this week

lists of lists to be made
crazy
orderly