waiting

doctors and specialists and tests. another medically focused time. hopefully this too will lead to nothing but the nagging negative nelly in the back of my brain wonders if it will be something. so we wait and wonder.

while we wait we watch the world around us crumble into states of cancer and death. children dying. children with cancer. friends losing their fight. friends starting their fight. the world is mean. 

my little carved out corner carries a lot of joy. am I really this blessed? 

so I wait and wonder.

intention

last night at a birthday party for two friends we filled out cards to ourselves. we were to say one intention for this coming year, one thing we forgive ourselves for from last year, and a theme for the coming year.

this was easy for me. I forgive myself for taking on too much last year. it was bad but i have learned from it because my intention for this year is to spend more time with friends and family. my theme word for this year is balance.

i promise to have balance this year. this starts with saying no to a bigger job and feeling really good about working half time. I will take the time as the gift it is and accept how that impacts our finances. 

and I am proud of myself for learning from last year and saying no.

return

in an effort for more balance i am attempting to return to the writing world. stay tuned.

thank you for the inspiration human compatible

and then I went back to the past

I have successfully completed my first week of grad school. The unknown has become known. The unfamiliar is familiar. In fact, it's comfortable.

I love being a student. I have always loved being a student. That is a big part of why I am a teacher. I love to learn. I love to bum around and read books and write papers and be stressed about deadlines. I love to listen to experts in their fields get excited about what they are teaching you. I love to chat with classmates about what we are learning, where the best coffee is on campus, what they are writing their papers about. I love the library. I love sitting in coffee shops with my coffee, computer, and text book. I love hanging out with one of my besties after class, getting excited about we learned. I love preparing presentations (although I hate the presentation part). I love to drink beers on Fridays on campus. I love it all.

And now I get to do that while still having this other amazing life that I love. With the perspective that being older, with kids, affords me. I have the ability to relate the ideas, make connections, find the common ground.

I am so happy.

And so busy.

Now I must go read, write, and learn.

and so I wait...

wait for the changes to start. the chaos to hit. the unknown to become known. the known to become my past.

i like/hate change. i hate the loss of control. i hate the unknown. i like the newness. the freshness. the excitement.

i hate the idea that my daily social life (which i love) will become a thing of the past.

i hate the idea of not being a roadrunner.

of making new friends.

learning where everything is.

not having familiar faces in a classroom.

i am saying goodbye to people i love and care about and hoping that we all land somewhere safely. and still find comfort in each others' embraces.

and i try to find the peace in warmth, sun, time, slowing down, kind and friendly faces, travels, visits, drinks and loads of laughter.

that is what will get me through.

torn

i am feeling the need to slow down. enjoy life. find some  balance. find some health. i am fearful of my health after a year of trying to lose weight and not being successful. i am fearful of missing my time. the days go slowly but the years go quickly.

so i am torn.

torn between a road trip in august to spend time with family and friends who i love and staying home and chilling out, relaxing, spending time with our four. saving money. getting healthy. cuddling. if i stay home we can have time. if i do a road trip i will have visiting time but cut my summer down by a lot.

and so i think about options. i make plans in my head. i imagine possibilities.

and i look forward to the change of pace. more calm. more movement. more time.

in the perfection ...

... of my life, I am blessed with children who I love like my own who are not my own. the joy and pain of being an aunt. these children are so incredible, so amazing, and I miss them, constantly.

if only victoria and vernon were closer to each other.

if only I could see them everyday.

if only I could ever  adequately express to them my real love for them, my need to protect them, feed them, hug them, tuck them in and tell them stories, like a mother would.

they are mine in my heart but someone else' in life.

and my heart breaks when they drive away.