three points

I'm not sure why groups of three are so hard but they are. we were not created to spend time in a triangle. It makes us uncomfortable and causes conflict.

I'm done with conflict and chaos. grow up. we are adults and should be able to interact more mature than teenagers.

just saying

Change

This blog is going to change. Since making my other blog private, I feel like this needs to be a place for more writing but I am often daunted with the need to be creative and find that I avoid writing to avoid writer's block. So instead, I'm just going to write, about anything, and see where it goes.

So there it is. A new day for the old blog.

wasteland

my juices haven't been flowing. they have been sapped dry by the constant duldrum and exhaustion of life. it hasn't been about me. it has been about them. work. kids. family. friends. chaos.

where did i go? sometimes i remember who i was and i'm not sure i liked that person. i like this person better. or at least i foresee liking the person that i am always becoming.

change.

always.

creating and developing and molding and shaping. this is part of that. when i ignore it, i am ignoring me. it's back to me.

forward

don't stop moving forward, don't pause, don't stop. keep moving.

life is always moving, it never slows down for a minute for me to catch my breath. i miss catching my breath.

every moment of every day is charted, calendared, planned.

we are on a pause, a temporary change of plans, a brief opportunity to catch my breath. find my home. find my rhythm. i can enjoy the forward movement if i find my rhythm, have time to slow down and recharge.

time. thank you.

guilt

it plagues me

it is shoved into my face by the judgement of others

i am doing the best fucking job i can

i believe that i am doing a good job. i am doing a good job.

go live your own life and let me live mine

i love my life. i love my choices. i love where my life is headed.

i believe in the future that i am building

why do the changes that i make in my life seem to impact others in such ridiculous ways?

why do i have to answer to anyone other than my little family?

why are my choices wrong just because they are different from yours?

go away. judge others. or at least gossip behind my back and keep it away from me.

i feel enough guilt without those not invested adding more

warmth

fills me

motivates me

makes me do better

keeps me going

during the struggles

the bad moods

the chaos

the anger

puts it all in perspective

makes it all seem so ridiculous

dulls the noise

eases the headache

the strive

the pride

the goals

mamahood

 today is our day

a day to be appreciated

a day to be acknowledged

a day to not have to do everything

a day for breakfast in bed or dinner out

a day of silly handmade gifts that bring tears to your eyes

a day of hugs and kisses

 it's not easy

it's not always fun

sometimes it's hard

sometimes it's lonely

sometimes it's miserable

 sometimes it's perfect

sometimes it's organized

sometimes it's so cute you can't stand it

sometimes it's fullfilling

sometimes it's rewarding

sometimes it's amazing

 some days i am thrilled with my role

some days i can't imagine leaving my babies

some days i want to be nowhere but here

some days i have to escape the minute the cavalry arrives

some days i turn on the tv and let it parent

some days i spend on the phone, just to talk to another adult

all days are full of love

all days have some joy

all days are blessed

all days are reminders of the gifts i have been given

through all the work, misery, pain and suffering is this incredible reality that these boys are my life. my true life.

happy mother's day to me. i am thankful to be a mom.